The X Factor for Successful Relations
With the end of my high school experience and the start of a new chapter of my life approaching, I thought it would be most appropriate for me to tie this project into my future endeavors somehow. As of now, I’m pretty set on pursuing a 13+ year-long education to ultimately practice as a physician (it will be worth it in the end….i hope). An essential part of any career in healthcare is, well, the care; how can you effectively care for someone? Only when you can truly understand them and use this knowledge establish valuable bonds. So, how can we establish meaningful relationships with others from diverse backgrounds?
How can we better understand each other’s different thoughts and ideologies?
Diversity Around the World
Despite all the segregation and (insert unique trait)-ism’s* that exist in the world, when it comes to flesh and bone, everyone on this planet is very, very similar. We all partake in similar daily tasks, breathe the same air, have similar facial appearances, and feel similar emotions. Even then, however, we have found many ways to separate ourselves. Now, before I continue and start to sound like a saint, I have to admit that I am guilty of having mentally separated myself and others into certain stereotypes. The truth is, this mindset is only natural, but empathy can help.
*racism, ageism, sexism, etc…
The Classic Approach: Empathy
What is empathy?
Chances are you have probably heard the phrase, "put yourself in their shoes” at least a hundred times in your life. Though this statement has definitely aided me greatly along my journey as a growing, learning person, I oftentimes find myself struggling to successfully empathize with others. To address the root of my problem, I researched a bit into what exactly empathy meant.
“Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice” – Brené Brown
For starters, let’s make it clear that empathy is not to be mistaken with sympathy–in fact, the two are almost complete opposites. The famous author and American professor, Brené Brown explores this topic in the video linked below and basically says that empathy is feeling WITH people while sympathy is feeling FOR people.
If you have time, you should definitely check the video out (it’s really short and has some fun animations and jokes too!)
So how will empathy help? Well, when you feel WITH the person, you’re able to establish a genuine connection with them. Though you both might have your differences, you can connect over a shared human experience or emotion. I have gotten to know some of my closest friends today not from similarities in personality or preferences, but from a shared emotion or experience. Once that initial bond was established, the progression and development of the connection come easily with time.
Empathy in Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
This Academy Award-winning film lives up to all its fame and hype. The acting, storytelling, and plot are phenomenal and explore the idea of love and family in such a creative yet universal way. First, if you haven’t watched the movie, go watch it (it’s a little weird and very all over the place but if you’re into analyzing and theories it’s made for you)! I can’t give the entire movie justice in just a few lines, but if I had to: the movie tells the story of a slightly dysfunctional immigrant family who seeks a chance to make things better for themselves, but when they are given that chance (with the aid of alternate universes), things do not go as planned. Secrets are uncovered, grudges are brought to the surface, and mends are made.
In the movie, the relationship between Joy and her mother Evelyn is especially fascinating. Joy, an outspoken girl is deeply hurt when her mother cannot accept the fact that her only daughter is gay. As aforementioned, the plot of the movie was centered around resolving such conflicts, so accordingly, in one of the many alternate universes Evelyn travels through to save her relationship with her daughter, Evelyn has to confess love to a woman–and mean it. This scene captures so much emotion, compassion, and…empathy. Evelyn quite literally has to put herself in her daughter’s shoes and accept the fact that though the thought of same-sex attraction makes her uncomfortable, she shouldn’t penalize her daughter for having such feelings. Though the two face such a stark difference in ideologies due to their generational gap, the outlet of empathy is able to bridge that gap smoothly.
Another scene that really shows the value of empathy is when Deirdre (an IRS agent that…long story short Evelyn almost killed) stops the police from arresting Evelyn upon hearing that Evelyn’s husband, Waymond, revealed his desire to divorce her earlier in the day. Deirdre empathizes with Evelyn as she remembers her own similar experience and connects with the woman who she seemingly could not even come close to understanding the entire day. They even go as far as hugging as they talk over shared pain and establish a new bond with one another.
“Unlovable bitches like us make the world go ‘round,”1 – Deirdre to Evelyn
A Psychological Approach
Citing Evidence: A Study
Theorizing ideas based on personal opinion is always good, but nothing beats good ol’ experiments based on raw evidence. When we were young kids, our elementary school teachers ensured that the golden rule was ingrained in our minds forever (if you don’t know the rule, shame on you!). In a psychological study, the researchers tested this idea….sort of. They decided to focus on how the different approaches to equity affect people from marginalized backgrounds in the workplace by analyzing their overall behavior and thoughts.
The study2 found that “a diversity aware, multiculturalism ideology, which recognizes and celebrates social group differences, is associated with more positive outcomes than a diversity blind, color blindness ideology for racial-ethnic minorities, such as better performance outcomes, increased psychological engagement, inclusion, and workplace satisfaction, more positive leadership self-perceptions and reduced perceptions of bias and turnover intentions”. In short, they found that being accepting of others' differences proved to have more positive results than simply ignoring these differences and treating everyone equally. Though the need for equal treatment, not only in the workplace, has been heavily emphasized, it’s not always true that this is enough. To be able to understand those from different backgrounds better, it’s better to witness, learn, and educate yourself about these differences. As the study suggests, acknowledging and celebrating these differences is what is truly beneficial for both parties as you have a more rounded perspective and can then better understand people with unique characteristics.
Tips & Tricks® from the American Psychology Association
The American Psychology Association (or APA) explored this issue in an article discussing how to approach someone with starkly different opinions/values than you.
Be present: Focus on your conversations and avoid distractions. Listen attentively and try to understand the other person's perspective.
Avoid stereotyping: Try not to make assumptions about the other person. Instead, ask clarifying questions to understand their point of view.
Use "I" statements: Express your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements instead of accusing the other person. This can help avoid defensiveness and create a more collaborative conversation.
Prepare ahead of time: Think about what you want to say, anticipating potential responses, and considering how you will respond to those responses.
Have an open mind and a willingness to listen: Be willing to consider other perspectives and to acknowledge the feelings and concerns of the other person.
Why are relationships so complex?
Relationship Issues…sigh
Humans are insanely complex creatures. This complexity is evident not only in our bodily functions and brain capabilities but in our relationships too (Note: when I refer to relationships, I am referring to both platonic and romantic). Communication is especially important in relationships because we all convey our feelings in very different ways. Moreover, differences in values and beliefs can also lead to conflicts in relationships, especially when it comes to important issues such as religion, politics, and family. Well at least, the longer you know someone, the more likely you are to be better friends, right? Wrong! Time is an asset that both connects and separates two people immensely. As relationships evolve, expectations can change, and it can be hard to adjust to those changes. Being vulnerable in a relationship can be scary, but it's necessary for building intimacy and connection. That’s why trust is essential in any relationship, but it can be hard to establish and maintain, especially if someone has been hurt in the past. People also express and receive love in different ways, which can lead to miscommunication and unmet needs.
Relationships in the Kite Runner
My mentor text, the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, is set in Afghanistan, during the onset of the war between the US and the Afghani people and explores the bonds between father and son, the value of education, accepting others’ differences, and the harsh journey to salvation. The protagonist–A young boy named Amir–develops a close-knit friendship with Hassan, the son of his father’s servant. Though the two boys had stark differences in their lives, the parallels in their values kept them connected in a way that resonated beautifully with me. The relationship between Baba (Amir’s father) and Amir also stood out to me as a complex relationship. While Amir constantly strives to win his father’s love, his father struggles to love a son who is the complete opposite of him. Amir, a bookworm who is shy and expresses no interest in his father’s business, appears incompetent to his father.
“If I hadn’t seen the doctor pull him out of my wife with my own eyes, I’d never believe he’s my son”3 – Baba
Baba therefore turns to Hassan as he is rendered superior due to his star qualities, in the eyes of Baba. The fact that his own father prefers and appreciates someone other than his own son severely perturbs Amir. What’s interesting in this dynamic is how the two can never seem to understand each other. Given that Amir lost his mother at a young age, his father is the only prominent adult figure in his life. This further drives Amir’s desire to win his father’s approval. Yet, the problem is the more he tries, the farther he gets from achieving his goal.
One of Baba’s main principles is to not be a coward:
“A boy who won’t stand up for himself becomes a man who can’t stand up to anything.”4
Baba realizes that Amir is nothing like him and lacks the empathy ever to acknowledge his own son’s efforts. This behavior results in an ever-desperate Amir who becomes a boy full of cowardice and envy. This ultimately flawed relationship is a perfect example of the self-fulfilling prophecy, a psychological phenomenon wherein a person’s expectations manifest themselves into reality because of constant obsession and/or avoidance.
In the case of Baba and Amir, it seemed as though their main issue was communication, but it was definitely more deep-rooted than that–their relationship was rather…complex.
How can we foster meaningful, sustaining relationships with diverse people?
So far, we have covered why and how relationships are complex; there’s much more depth to these ties than what first comes to the eye. We also discussed the definition and significance of empathy in fostering strong connections. So what’s left? Putting two and two together.
The combination of a deep understanding of relationships along with strong values of empathy are bound to set one up for success, and both are dependent on one another. You can establish relationships with the aid of empathy, but in order for them to sustain you require a solid grasp on how to navigate through the complexities of relationships. Having these principles in mind, along with an empathetic mindset, we can better equip ourselves to overcome issues as they arise and construct enduring, meaningful relationships.
interlaced by empathy
To conclude my blog, I present to you a work of original poetry on the topic at hand :)
relationships can be quite complex,
with twists and turns that leave us perplexed,
but empathy can be the key,
to help us connect more easily.
when we put ourselves in another's shoes,
we see the world from their point of view,
and though their struggles may differ from ours,
we find common ground and greater powers.
empathy breaks down the walls,
that separate us and make us feel small,
but when we understand each other's pain,
we can build a bond that will sustain.
so let us strive to be more kind,
to those we love and those we find,
for empathy is the magic thread,
that weaves together hearts and heads
1 Taken from Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
2 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00282/full
3 (Hosseini 18)*
4 (Hosseini 18)*
*https://mrsmeganparrish.weebly.com/uploads/3/8/0/5/38056115/the_kite_runner.pdf
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